Pride
by serenakay
Summary: Ryu and Chizuru have been in a long-distance relationship for two years. Insecurities start to build and Ryu confronts Chizuru after noticing that she's been distancing herself from him more and more each time she visits. Fight/makeup fic. T for mentions of sex in terms of how it's affecting their relationship. First fic D


Pride

"Chizuru…I want you to talk to me, now."

They had been running errands together and ended up in a crowded shopping center. Chizuru had wanted to get out of his dorm to walk around as she thought it'd soothe her nerves a bit. It didn't. But she was mostly good at hiding it, she thought. Ryu had carried on through the day with her casually chatting about classes, food, the conversations were light and fun. He carried her bags for her, mainly full of manga and video games. He wished he had the time to play some of them with her like the old days. Still, he enjoyed just having her near him. Everything seemed normal to him. At least mostly. He had noticed her smile seemed a little forced lately. The bright shine of her face seemed to be dimming. He couldn't put his finger on why, but it wasn't the first time he had noticed. The last few visits had been the same. He had asked her if anything was wrong, but she just went into denial and distraction mode. He figured she'd talk to him about it when she was ready. But today he noticed that she was keeping her distance from him while they walked. She wouldn't hold his hand, she'd rush towards a store window display or get distracted by something every time he began to get closer to her. This isn't right, he thought.

When they arrived at his dorm, he laid the bags down near her travel bag and got some drinks for the two of them. Handing over a bottle of green tea his fingers brushed against hers. Testing her he attempted to grab her other hand and hold it in his. She slyly grabbed the bottle and turned away from him shifting while turning so that her hand was out of his reach. She began to talk nonchalantly about which game she wanted to play first when she got back to Hokkaido. He knew now that she was intentionally avoiding his touch. It wasn't just in his head, she was either tired of him, afraid of him, bored. All these thoughts crept in and he knew he couldn't drop the issue any longer. "Chizuru." Turning back to look at him as if nothing happened, as if she hadn't just dodged his advances. "Yeah?" "I want you to talk to me, now."

In past visits, they'd fill the days she was there to the brim with fun dates, good food, karaoke if she was in the mood, and every moment was never wasted. Always happy to be in each other's space again. When they would reach his dorm, they were inseparable. The passion stemming from them both holding them together like glue. Those times, it felt natural, it felt right, not forced. The past three months….the last three visits…they hadn't kissed, hadn't been intimate, but now she wouldn't even hold his hand. He couldn't take it. Feeling completely rejected by her now. It was giving him an acidic feeling in his stomach. (Does she not love me anymore? Is she not attracted to me? Does she want to leave me?)

The past visits it didn't bother him too much that they weren't having sex lately. He wanted her always, but didn't like the feeling that he'd be pushing her to have sex when she didn't want to. He didn't want her to think he only wanted her to visit for a reason like that. He thought maybe she was just wasn't in the mood lately, maybe she was worried about sex being a central reason to her visits? But it wasn't. She knew that right? It had to be something else.

"I'm sorry if I made you feel angry Chizuru. I don't know what I've done but, I'm happy to see you. I've missed you. I can tell something is wrong. Since we got back you keep avoiding me. What's going on?" She tried to act like it was nothing again, but by the expression on his face, in his eyes, she knew that she had to be honest with him. She couldn't hide it well enough and she silently cursed herself for it.

Her emotions towards him were undeniable but fear that things wouldn't work out with him still plagued her mind. The worry. The what ifs. She tried her best not to think about them. But now that he was her lover…she had no control over the "ifs" that came. All her childhood ideas of what relationships "should" be like. What she had hoped to look like when she was older. (What kind of girls did Ryu find sexually attractive? He has sex with me but what if he's just putting up with my body because he likes me?) She knew him better than this. She knew deep down that she was pushing her insecurities onto him. But she didn't know how to stop it. It made her feel rotten.

He did nothing but make her feel loved, occasionally he'd blunder and do something silly but she forgave him everything. Now that they were no longer "brothers" how could she trust that the dynamic of their relationship would be stable? Even though the distance helped her come to terms with her doubts in some ways, new ones would form. (I can only keep him for so long…now that he's in Sapporo I'm no longer his only option. The neighbor girl. All those girls at his university…would he really not see that I'm nothing special in comparison?) And after that fearful thought crept in…it didn't leave.

She felt selfish, he gave her no reason to suspect him. With the distance between them she didn't want to talk about her fears and insecurities of him getting bored with her when they only could meet for short bursts at a time. But today Ryu wouldn't let it go.

"Look at me Chizuru. Why have you been avoiding me? Have I been doing something wrong? Are you…am I not goo-" He immediately saw the tears well up in her eyes and feared the worst. She hated it, hated him and wanted to break up. He didn't know what else would make her have that reaction, and as the realization that she might already have lost her feelings for him began stabbing him like a hot knife. "You're wrong!" Sobbing now, covering her face. "IT's ME!" Shouting too loudly in Chizuru fashion; not taking into account that his walls were paper thin and it was late. He didn't care. "I can't take the pressure Ryu, the pressure of wanting you, you wanting me in that way. When we're apart I miss you so badly I can barely take it. Of course I want you too" She was stumbling over her words, yelling between sobs. "But after we're together again, I feel so lonely when we're apart. And I know I'm stupid. I know it's not true! But I get so worried that now that you've had sex with me, when I leave you'll get bored. You have so many girls around here and it's not like you've given me any reason to doubt you but you're a guy an-!"

She tended to bottle all of her problems into one giant mess in her head until it came out like this. Ryu had seen it several times. Knowing that if it continued, she'd work herself into hyperventilating and turning the negative thoughts in her head from mere fears into false realities. He had to set her straight. But not just to still her fears, but to tell her that she had hurt him. He did not take dishonesty lightly and had never lied to her in his life.

Not speaking, he gently placed a hand over her mouth. For the first time in a long time, she had made him angry, hurt him. "Chizuru. I want you to tell me what's on your mind but…but this just hurts. I don't know what to say to you right now. Part of me wants to comfort you and tell you that it isn't true, but the other part of me is.…" He trailed off, pausing. Then found his next words layered with more anger than he intended to give. "I don't understand what else I can do for you if you're going to accuse me of cheating on or dumping you so I can go have sex with other women. That's low that you would even think I'd do something like that to you" His voice sharp, began to raise at the end. He stopped talking, removed his hand from her mouth and turned his head looking away from her. Completely irritated with her now. Her crying stopped, eyes widened. She knew what she had done.

All the sweet things he'd do for her, all the gestures he'd make for her arrival, the careful planning of where he'd take her to go, all the fun things he had discovered in Sapporo with her in mind. Thinking of their time together. She had turned her insecurities into an accusation. Knowing how honest he was. Now in a dark and defeated attitude, she churned out her reply. "This was why. It's my fault. I'm the worst. This was why I knew it would be bad for us. To be together. I don't know how to handle my insecurities and fears, so I made them your fault I…I love you Ryu. But right now? I don't deserve you." She could feel the tears on the verge of weeping out, but she felt she didn't have the right to cry in front of him after what she said. She looked down at her feet, he wasn't looking at her still. The tension in the room continued to grow.

"Ryu. I don't know how to stop my thoughts coming like that, you've never given me any reason to doubt you, I'm insecure but I hurt you just now. My worst fears are coming true but it's only myself to blame. I really am worthless." This wasn't what he wanted. It sounded like a breakup speech, and also sounded a little like self pity. Making herself out to be the bad guy. Even though at this moment to him she kind of was being one. Still her apology irked him. With his mood stubborn and his pride hurt, there wasn't much she could say to him that would please him now. "I'm sorry Chizuru. I don't want to talk about this right now. I don't want you to think about breaking up but, maybe we need some space."

She looked up at him while he continued avoiding her gaze. Though she knew she had made him angry, she didn't think he'd come close to saying those words. She expected her apology to be enough, that he would quell her anxieties like in the past. That after telling him she wasn't worthy of him and that she was worthless, he'd comfort her and tell her all those things weren't true. She was supposed to be apologizing. But her defeatist attitude swiftly changed into indignant frustration. (Unfair. I'm being unfair to him. Still. Even though I'm the one that started this, why am I getting so pissed off at him?) Even realizing this she no longer controlled what came to her mouth and began shouting. "Space? Space?! You think we don't already have enough of that?! Before you left, I never thought this way. I never had to worry because just having you near me was enough, but it's hard Ryu! It's fucking hard… I'm in a small town working all the time. I've got only you. Sawa and Yano-Chin are both gone. I'm all by myself. You meet new friends all the time here, and I'm happy for you! But is it really that strange for me to get a little scared at the thought that you'll start realizing that your small town neighbor girl isn't the only fish in the goddamn sea?! I'm sorry for telling you how I feel. If you want space, I'll give it to you."

This was still a big problem for them. They didn't know how to communicate well when angry; which to be fair didn't happen very often. Fighting was extremely rare as everything had seemed to smooth over once they started dating. After two years of long distance this was the first time they had fought like this. Apologies from either one was usually on their own terms and half the time, self-serving. As Chizuru's apology was. Trying to make him feel bad for her, instead of angry. It had the adverse effect.

"You said it yourself. I don't give you any reason to doubt me, so yes, it is strange for you to still think that I'm going to cheat on you or something stupid like that. If I don't give you any reason to and you still doubt me, then what's the point of trying?" She knew he had a point but was still feeling pissed and sorry for herself. Then his last words ran through her head again and she began to feel fear overcome everything else. (What's the point of trying….) She started to realize that him leaving her was a possibility. Not because of some other woman, but by her own lack of confidence. Her fear taking over her pride had her rapid fire talking again.

"Ryu I, I told you I'm stupid right? I have no reason to doubt you, but I still do. It's stupid right? So I'm just bothering you. I just can't figure it out at all. It doesn't make sense to me. I have so many reasons Ryu, that I love you, I could name each one of them. But I can't think of a single reason you'd choose me. And so I'm confused, you deserve better than me. But I'm selfish. I want you to stay with me forever, I want to be the only one for you forever. But when I realize there's some girl out there who's probably more mature than me, prettier, smarter whatever! I get scared and with us only seeing each other once a month I can't shake it. I know you're the most sincere person there is. There's nothing you need to change. It's me. I don't know what to do. I'm so lonely without you that sometimes I feel like I'm going to die. But I know that's just me"

Finally his gaze shifted to look her in the eyes. Not used to her blatant use of the word love while talking about him. She was trying hard. "I'm listening. I don't feel like I should have to tell you the reasons why I love you. I show you all the time, with my actions. I show you how much I care about you, how much I'm attracted to you. There's no one else that could ever make me want to leave you. But how do you know that I'm not also as lonely as you? I'm constantly thinking of you Chizuru. As soon as I drop you off at the train station when you leave after a visit, my heart sinks. I already want you back again. But I use the time we have when we're together again to make up for that distance. Why can't you tell me when you're starting to get nervous about these things? Why do you always have to turn it into something major when you know it's not true?" Exhausted now and losing her fighting spirit bit by bit she glumly replied "I don't know. I wish I did. But I don't." She didn't want to continue. He didn't either. (Is it over? Is it over between us?)

He knew that he would never stop loving her, but is that always enough? Is love the only thing that makes or breaks relationships? He thought it would be so simple, that going from best friends to lovers would make all the pieces fall into place. He felt that his world had become complete the first time she told him she liked him back. But now, he was starting to remember that day that she became so angry at him for trying to change their relationship. Why had he thought that a long-distance relationship would automatically be easy? And if it wasn't easy, shouldn't he be a little more forgiving of her insecurities?

His pride was hurt but he knew it was her own thinking, and that she also realized this. Did he want her to go back home now? Become a friend, and then a distant one at that, a bad breakup, a dead-end? No. Processing all of this he saw her defeated look, and that she was beginning to collect her things.

His own panic overtook when he saw her on the verge of fleeing. (Fights happen, couples fight. Of course, but if we fight like this where it's so easy to go without seeing each other, it'll be worse…) "Chizuru, Please. I wanted you to talk to me. I asked you to. I dragged it out of you and then got mad. Sure, I'm still mad, but not mad enough that I want you to leave." She stood still not looking at him. "Thought you wanted space." This isn't good. This isn't how he wanted things to go. He wanted to turn things around but was somewhat at a loss. He chose actions over words at times like this.

When flustered and logic seemed to fail him. He knew he couldn't let her go now. If he did, he knew, even if she still loved him, she would never come back. Her pride had been hurt too. He knew how private she really was about her fears even with him, and that those things usually needed to be processed on her own time. Still he pressed the issue and when she was honest with him he snapped at her. It was his fault too.

"Ryu I-" not looking at him she was startled to feel him pull at her and embrace her from behind. Her heart skipped and she could feel the tears prickling her eyelids, no longer having as much control over them. She didn't know what he was about to say, was this the end? She couldn't read him. "Ryu Don't keep me in suspense do you want me to leave or not?" "No, never." He pulled her around to look at him and she was shocked to see that his eyes too, were lining with tears. He was just as upset as she was.

"I want to fix this, I'm bad with words. I hurt you with mine and let you hurt me with yours sometimes. But I don't want to let a small fight turn into something it doesn't need to. Listen." He pulled her into an embrace. Chizuru steadied herself still in his tight hold, remaining rigid. Again, not sure of what his approach would be, but feeling slightly relieved at the words "fix this" she released some of the tension in her body and let him hold her tightly against his warm body. "I know. I know it was so hard on you. That right after you confessed to me you begged me not to leave. And I did. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was making a responsible man out of myself, someone you'd be proud of. But while trying to make you proud I put you at a distance willingly. Your friends are all off at different schools too. I know you're lonely. I don't want to be one of the causes for that anymore. I love you. I love you so much I don't know what to do with myself, so how can I let you walk away?"

Clutching onto him now she had begun to shake with her soft sobs, nerves wracking through her. She loved him so much, she wanted to tell him right now, for this fight to officially be over with, and to kiss him, wake up the next morning and pretend it never happened. But she knew to let him finish. They needed to get this out now, while they were both willing to listen. "That's why I want to come home with you" Her breath caught. Disbelief. She said nothing. "It's been two years already, my degree was important to me at first, but I was going in for selfish reasons. I wanted to fit ideals I had in my head of what type of man I should be. But now more than anything I don't want to be the type of man who makes you feel the way you're feeling. If that's what my being here is doing to you then it isn't worth it. I want to do whatever I can to make you happy." She stilled her emotions and quickly replied. "Ryu I don't want you to suddenly quit school over me, you don't have to go that far. I, I just let things get to my head and they came out at a bad time and that's always bad for us. But I don't want to be the reason you give up on your dreams, your future. I'd never forgive myself."

She was so happy, unbelievably happy that he had said those words to her, but she felt selfish at even wishing a little that they would come true. Why should he have to give up school to be with her? "It's not worth it if it's taking away the thing I love most. You are my dream. You are my future. I won't let anything get in the way of that, I've been fighting with the idea of leaving and coming home for a while, but the fact that the distance has been making you feel this way and making us fight like this just confirms it. I wasn't here for the right reasons anyways Chizuru, don't put blame on yourself. I should've been putting all of my effort into making you happy." She looked into his eyes, their faces mere inches apart. Leaning in she led her mouth to his and for the first time in months they kissed. His relieved sigh mixed with their kiss and she slowly separated to say "I want you to come home when you're ready, not pressured because you're worried about me, I'll stay with you through anything. If you want to finish school, I'll wait for you, if you want to quit and come home, I'll help you pack. But either way, I want you to make your decision for yourself." Tears were coming from him full force now and he pulled her against him again so she wouldn't see.

Part of him deep down had been wanting to come home, but after telling her he would leave when it broke her heart that day, how could he when it would be as if he had been half-assing the whole thing? He didn't want her to think he had been taking it lightly, but being separated from her was giving him insecurities as well. Would she really wait for him for two more years of this? Would she still want to work at his dad's old ramen shop two years from now? Still feel in love with him enough to want to marry him? "I want to come home to you. I've missed you so much. I just want to be with you, that's all I want." Hugging him just as tightly now, she knew that he was stubborn enough, that he was being honest and that this was his own decision. "Okay, then come home." She pulled away from his tight embrace and grabbed his face with both her hands. "Come home to me Ryu." She beamed, her usual sunny smile finally coming back and brightening her face. The tears were drying on both ends. "Yeah, I'm coming home." Smiling with her. Anxieties now soothed, pride put back in its place, replaced with the aching of the love they felt so deeply for each other. Words were no longer necessary as he took her lips back into his. The familiar warmth of her mouth that he'd been missing for the past few months. He'd been dying to kiss her like this again. And now that they had talked everything out all the awkward tension that had been building between them died. Pushing into his kiss, not stopping for air, running her hands over the nape of his neck and up into his hair. She clung to him, not letting go. Wishing that she had no need to breathe. Wishing she could stay like this with him forever. All the worries in the world, none of that was as strong as the feeling she had for him now, and through his kiss she knew he felt the same way. There was no room for doubt between them in this moment. Things were going to be okay, more than okay. Maybe even better than before.

The End.

Long-distance relationships can be hard! On both ends. I wanted to write a scenario that popped into my head when I neared the end of KNT. Of course I'd never imagine they'd fight so bad they'd actually break up but it was interesting and fun to write out what I thought they'd say and what both would be feeling if one or the other got jealous in this situation. This is my first time writing fanfic, at first it was just going to be a smut but it turned into a fight and makeup somehow lol. Anyways, if any ryuchizu fans happen to read this, I hope you enjoyed it even a little. If the characters seem a little ooc or you have any feedback send me some comments =)


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